Senior year of high school, or maybe junior year if you hit the bottles young, the alluring commodity of the
fake ID
became pertinent. Your friends who were a year older probably flashed them around after school, boasting about how they visited the shady liquor store in town and the guy “didn’t even scan it.” They probably paid an embarrassing amount of money for their shitty Connecticut IDs from “IDgod.com,” but you probably were so jealous you rallied a group for an order the minute you laid your eyes on that seducing piece of laminated opportunity.
The process of ordering a fake ID can truthfully be very strenuous if you are one of the more proactive/authoritative members of your ordering group. But if you enjoy avoiding responsibility and ordinarily let other people do all of the work, you’re set. The first step is contacting the ID god, a questionable and potentially incriminating move. You might have been a little hesitant at first, learning about the perplexing operating system of wiring money and receiving the IDs months later in a disguised package. But once you visited the website and read the ID god’s mantra that he offers “
high quality IDs at an affordable price. Every ID comes with a free duplicate and tracking number. All IDs are programmed to be scanned and to pass the backlight test.
And....we do more than that! We offer you the chance to have a great time with your friends”
your qualms disappeared. Who cares about consequences or tickets or court dates? You were so close to being able to buy beer. And blue raspberry Burnett’s. You could almost taste the sugary poison. You would have trusted the ID god with your life at this point. The ID god was going to grant you
freedom
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The day the fake IDs are expected to arrive has finally come. You tell your mom practice is running late—but practice isn’t running late. You probably don’t even have practice. You probably don’t even play a sport. But for whatever reason she believes you, so you eagerly linger around your high school’s parking lot until the proactive/authoritative group member returns with the treasures. Visions of your friends and you bar hopping rush across your mind. You actually do not have a single bar in or near your town, but that’s beside the point. The IDs will somehow come bearing accommodations and plans.
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I think I…I think I might love the ID god. Am I…in love with the ID god? Possibly the most suspicious character to exist on the face of the earth?
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The ID god now has you questioning your identity and values but he also has you absolutely beaming. The group has assembled in the parking lot and a fat stack of fraudulent identification is being passed around. You sort through the pile until you find your own.
They’re beautiful
. Arguably the most ravishing sight you’ve ever seen. Spirits could not be higher as your friends compare addresses and tease the one unfortunate member whose picture turned out poorly.
The laughter slowly dulls and a soft whisper catches your attention.
Um, why does your ID say you’re 6 foot 4 inches tall?
You snatch your ID back from the ignorant observer with a swift lunge. Your eyes burn as you stare down at the tragic blemish you had overlooked.
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It says you are a remarkably tall 6’4” woman, when in reality you are just shy of 5’3”.
After a string of unwarranted reactions that do not even vaguely match the situation, you accept your fate. Over time, you learn to love your fake ID for its imperfections and lack of reliability. You live for the triumph in the successes and the entertaining accounts that accompany the defeats. Perhaps Bronx nightlife, albeit easy, is anticlimactic if you're looking to bask in the thrill of getting into a bar with a subpar fake. Using your Fordham ID to swipe in through the Walsh gate was an expectation; using your Fordham ID to get into Mugz's came as a surprise. The ID gods, for now, will look over our high school friends who are forced to contend with strictly enforced standards they call "laws." When we're feeling ballsy, we'll make our way into the city just to feel the thrill of passing the bouncer threshold of some hoity-toity bar. And inevitably, we'll return in our Übers and get to be our 19 1/3 year-old selves again.
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If these experiences and raw emotions devilishly entice you, as they do for so many, you might considering paying
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a visit. The ID god grants YOU the power to determine the details of your ID. Remember to consider where you live, where you go to school, which states are the weird states (the Dakotas), etc.
“I apparently had a really good fake because I never had trouble getting served before I turned 21. I actually am given a way harder time now in New York with my real Minnesota ID than my fake Rhode Island ID. It’s all about location.
To those in the market: go obscure, but stay close.
” -
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So you have your ID...are you hesitant to use it for the first time? Always be mindful of the ID god's gracious will. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the ID god, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." - idgod.com
“The first time I used my ID was the second semester of my senior year of high school. My friend and I decided it would be fun to go into downtown Washington D.C. and give our new IDs a test run. Our options were limited, for it was a Thursday night and we were unfamiliar with the area. We stumbled upon an enticing looking club and agreed to give it a whirl. Luckily both of our IDs scanned and we were led down a dark hallway into a lounge. The guy who checked our IDs brought us to a table and ensured us that a waitress would arrive shortly to take our drink order. After five minutes of observing, we realized we were not in a club. We were in a high end strip club. The 'waitresses' that had just been in classy dresses were now topless and dancing on the bar. We were shook!” -
Andrew, Sophomore
Awkward confrontations freak you out? You freeze under pressure? Your conversational skills are underdeveloped? Using a fake ID generates situations in which you can foster assertiveness, compromise, and self-confidence.
“When I was a junior in high school there was this super shady liquor store the town over from me that was well-known for serving under-aged college kids and high schoolers. They rarely ID’ed, and didn’t even have a scanner. One Friday, it was my turn to buy, and I was no doubt the youngest person in the store. Being a dumb high schooler, I went up to the counter with two handles of Traveler’s Club (off-brand Georgie exclusively available in Northern NJ) and wound up first in line with four 50+ year old men behind me. Strangely enough, I was very confident I wouldn’t get in trouble in this situation, and my certainty did not waver even when the guy asked to see ID. I had this super shitty fake from Maryland that my friends had picked up from some dude they found on the internet the year before. Unfortunately, I had no clue that it didn’t scan—or that the place had implemented scanners. Anyway, the guy scanned it, and it obviously didn’t work. Most people would have left the alcohol at the counter and just tried to walk away, but I looked back at the line of grown ass men and decided I’d made it too far to turn back. Initially, the guy behind the counter told me I couldn’t buy the alcohol because there was “an issue” with my ID, but something inside of me still wanted to argue with him. After minutes of desperately blaming the scanners he let me purchase the two handles of vodka and exit the store completely unscathed. As I was walking out, I looked back at the line one last time and recognized one of the men as my dad’s golf buddy, who’s a lawyer. :)” -
Evan, Senior
Afraid of the cops? That's definitely an extremely reasonable concern. Fake IDs are definitely illegal. You
could
face mildly significant consequences. But does anyone ever, really?
“In high school my friends and I went camping at a site in upstate New York. We’re all in this massive 10 person tent sleeping, must’ve been like 2:30 in the morning at this point, and I wake up to flashlights being shined into our tent. I nudge one of the boys sleeping next to me and I’m like “Hey I think we’re all about to be murdered.” We slowly emerge from the tent and find twelve ANGRY state troopers. We nervously were just like “Uhh good evening officers...what can we help you with?" And the first thing they did was question us about the many, many beer cans on our campsite and asked for our IDs. We figured giving fakes was a bad idea so we all gave our real IDs, until our last friend who missed the memo stumbled out of the tent and handed one of the state troopers his very shitty Connecticut fake. When we realized that he gave the officer his fake, we all start freaking out that he’ll be arrested or something. We anxiously wait as they took forever to run his ID through the scanner in their car, but when they came back they said everything had checked out. They yelled at him for buying beer for minors, but they left us without any trouble.” -
Emily, Junior
Although the ID god cannot guarantee that your fake will get you into all of your desired venues, nor that it will even go to good use in the Bronx, he
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Assaulting Uber Driver Intoxicated Accused Kidnapping Of Sexually guarantee that your fake ID will provide you with valuable wisdom, character-building denials, euphoric successes, and memorable (maybe even life-altering) experiences. The reality of your first fake is an infamous adolescent tale that unites underage drinkers worldwide. Truthfully, they make the world a better place.
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